Well it seems that the savvy folks over at MTV have beaten us to the punch in making heads-off-bodies the next “cool thing.” I think it only fair that my colleagues and I are fairly represented in this fictional treatment. MTV if you’re listening, I would like to be played by Orlando Bloom.
We finally got word from Dan and Heddy. We got this envelope with a single cartridge of super 8mm film in it. God knows how it found us as it looks like it was passed through the digestive tract of a woolly mammoth with kidney stones. It includes footage of Dan in obscure surroundings probably giving some kind of explanation for disappearing with Heddy, but we’ll never know because the film is silent. Good to know that at least nothing’s changed. Moron.
At 8am this morning Dan said he was going to take Heddy for a walk and he’d be back soon. It is now 10 hours later and they are both nowhere to be found. If you see a 5′ 10″, 175 pound guy in scrubs and glasses running around with a chimpanzee with an LVAD wearing a tuxedo shirt, please contact joel@c1d1t1.com asap!
**He also has a tattoo of a whooping crane on his left calf.
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Normally I don’t accept criticism from the laity, but due to the sheer volume of hate email this website (and me in particlar) has generated, I thought I should descend the mountain and address the wandering masses in all their wearied confusion.
Dan is getting too attached to our test subject. I’ve seen it happen before (most notoriously with Mr.Bojangles, whose story I promised Dan I wouldn’t recount here, suffice to say that there is a hamster buried in our backyard whose grave has fresh flowers every spring.)
The first trick in detatching yourself emotionally from your subject, is to not dress exactly the same as them.
If you’re going to train a monkey to communicate its basic needs with some kind of symbolic language, there are a few factors one should take into close consideration:
1. stomachless monkeys don’t get hungry
2. monkeys don’t speak english
3. lungless monkeys don’t speak at all
Dear The World,
I believe Dan and Heddy are in love.
Proof!
Sincerely,
Ken
